Thunder is owned by Thor,
You are not a sunshine and rainbows sort of god, are you?
I hear you loudest,
feel you most strongly
on days of long rain and skies grey as your traveling cloak and hat,
hearing your voice in the hissing of water against the ground.
Those are the best days for study and quiet contemplation,
a blanket over my lap,
a cup of tea, a book,
candles flickering with flames like
the light in your single eye.
I surround myself with things that remind of of you:
maps and a walking stick for travel,
skulls and bones for death,
books for your insatiable desire for knowledge.
These things comfort me; I know when I see them, touch them,
that you are ever close.
Sometimes it is hard to discern what you would have of me,
other than everything:
you have said that you will never stop testing me,
and I have been told by others
that you say you love me,
and I cannot decide if I want either of those things.
Your love is its own form of bondage,
and I have chafed against your expectations of me
more than once;
They tell me I can tell you ‘no’,
but it has never felt that way to me;
I practice saying it inside my head,
and even just in practice,
in that place where there is no sound but is never silent
(So. Many. Voices!),
I can hear you laugh and laugh.
Why would I give up what is mine, you ask me?
Why would I let you go?
I only wonder if you refuse to release me
because you truly value me,
or because owning me has become
something of a habit,
just like a hoarder will refuse to part
with old receipts and broken tools,
and toys that might be fixed (with time and effort),
and books already read a dozen times–
a comfortable story, to be sure,
but no more to be learned there.
I have never been able to determine
whether I want to be owned or free;
I might have an easier time deciding
if I knew why you kept me.
I would be less inclined to tug at my collar
if I knew I was not just a habit,
gathering dust on a shelf somewhere
in the back of an unlit room.
Everything in my head is quiet now,
is quiet now,
is quiet now,
The rain has stilled,
the book is set aside,
the candle gone out,
and if you are speaking to me now,
your voice is so quiet
I cannot hear it.
How odd, to find that I miss it.
You have become a habit for me, too,
or maybe an addiction,
something I can no longer live without.
I nestle into my warm blanket
and wait for the sound of the rain to return.